Sadly these issues are better addressed in the West but often not particularly well. Men are merely more passive aggressive and deceptive about how they go about it. A Moroccan friend (with a very prestigious French business degree) had trouble at work with a colleague in Paris (where the laws are even better than in North America) and did everything correctly in terms of reporting it, yet now finds herself dismissed (she was smart enough to negotiate a good severance package) and looking for work as a recent grad in a difficult economy, and as she says “with my Qatari face”.

She also suffered a depression, which like many Moroccans I know who have (I would say all which is statistically accurate but sounds prejudiced anyway, and is anecdotal–must do the study to back it up LOL ), presented with abdominal symptoms, and gastric problems. She saw a therapist and took an antidepressant for the 6 months she was still working in that negative environment. She also had the support of her French boyfriend, and her father who had suffered a depression when her mother left him.

The lack of availability of, and stigma against, mental health services in certain countries and cultures has completely changed my impression of self-help books, which as you know abound in the US. The best ones are important therapy substitutes (not just adjuncts as they would be for someone in therapy) for those without access to a therapist because there are no services, they are too expensive, attending is impossible physically, or seeking help is too stigmatizing in the society, and too self-stigmatizing to the “patient”.

I do know Arab Muslim women who have seriously contemplated or attempted suicide rather than speak up, especially if “falling pregnant” while unwed. Better to speak up, and they most often eventually do to a trusted friend rather than family.

You are very insightful in saying that each woman who doesn’t speak up sets up the next woman to suffer.

BTW I have a post coming up in a couple of days about Saudi husbands and Western wives and I hope all will comment–and especially Saudi men, married and not, hint hint! LOL

I do agree though that “normal behavior” is relative as it differs from culture to culture. I’m very sure that what’s seen as “normal” in my workplace wouldn’t be considered the same in other places. There must definitely be a defining line on what’s acceptable and what’s not.

While more details about this particular story would be helpful, some of the patterns are classic. Whatever happened she felt shocked, shamed, and silenced by her fear of making it worse. Abusers count on this and even include it in the abuse. Little children are told not to tell or their parents will die, women in the workplace are told their reputations/careers will be ruined. All are told no one will believe them and they will be blamed, and punished further. Often the way it is done is quite subtle. The target or victim is usually initially frozen by shock and then naturally wonders what they did to deserve it, the idea of which the abuser has carefully planted, and which is a normal response in anyone who is not a flaming narcissist. The severely narcissistic usually crash later.

Silence is also a normal reflex to minimize the social damage and in some cases is very well placed. Generally however it reinforces to the target/victim that they were the problem and deprives them of much needed support. Whether to complain officially must be a carefully weighed judgment call against the potential damage. It is better to tell a few trusted friends, preferably including ones who know both parties well enough to have credibility in talking about the inappropriate behaviours of the one. Still, abusers count on silencing, isolating, and discrediting the person who may expose them.

Workplace solutions are to normalize the fact of men and women working together, set clear guidelines on behaviour, have managers model appropriate behaviours, and policies in place for how to deal with incidences, including being aware of false accusations.

I agree with the comment that a woman as a competitor in the workplace is seen as a threat by some, and as someone who must be taken out by any means necessary. This is particularly true where it is new to have women colleagues, where women are an extreme minority, or where even in a more egalitarian society women are new to a “man’s field”. One of the toughest women I know was abused into a depression during her neurosurgery training. Women are a minority there and an unwelcome presence especially for the more traditional men, whether traditional because of age, temperament, education or all 3. She is also extremely bright with excellent hand skills, and attractive. The irony is that at the same time as she was being told she was incompetent by one powerful surgeon, she was being awarded a 3 month scholarship to learn a special technique in a foreign country. Reality is highly distorted in these situations.

She recovered during an assignment off the surgical service but there was a persistent movement to eliminate her from the program. Of course in these settings seeking appropriate psychological help can be used against the person too. It is one of the factors, along with blaming, and destroying moral and social reputation which keeps women silent–again, even in supposedly more aware societies. It is still better to seek help though.

I firmly believe there are 2 different types of harassment: gender harassment and sexual harassment. The gender harassment is more about women not being wanted in the workplace or that particular workplace and is as powerful as sexual harassment, and at least in the West more difficult to deal with because supposedly we don’t think that way. The sexual harassment is more about inappropriate attention, blackmail (sex for marks, sex to keep job), and intimidation ie sometimes sexual innuendo or threats are used to intimidate women out of a workplace, as a tool of gender harassment. At times it escalates to rape or a constant fear of being raped, though that is rarer than constant sexual remarks, innuendo, and sometimes inappropriate touching.

Harassment vs normal behaviour vs abuse need to be defined as there is room often for misunderstanding, and early correction of problems. Harassment to me, is clearly unwanted, persistent attention that escalates. Abuse crosses another line usually with a covert or implicit threat: you will be fired, you will be failed, you will be denounced publicly (or to spouse, family etc). The power of these threats depends in part on how society and family can be expected to respond.

These are different than flirtations, genuine joking, mutual admiration societies, an office romance, someone who is awkward at showing romantic interest, or someone with poor social skills. The key is mutual and appropriate social skills.

It is important to realize that false accusations and the fact that nothing happened are as damaging and in some ways harder to deal with than something happening, with some form of proof. Abusers count on this as well.

Men are also targets of sexual and gender harassment particularly as women hold more positions of authority. And of course, according to Ahmedinejad there are none in Iran but in the rest of the world ~10% of the population are gay, lesbian, or bi, and there are abusers among them too.

This is a topic that is part of my clinical work, and I would be happy to give the person involved some friendly advice by email if her English is good enough, and she doesn’t mind sharing confidentially a few more details.

She or someone on her behalf can contact me at chiaraazlinquestion AT yahoo.com Just put something in the subject line that is recognizable as not spam

Otherwise, high quality self help books can do a lot of good if there is a problem of accessing professional counselling, and friends can be extremely helpful.

I realize that there are cultural differences at play but most traditional cultures (including both shame vs honour and guilt vs innocence cultures) have the same ones operating.

I do hope she recovers well, whatever it takes for her to do so. Changing setting and getting away geographically from the abuser can go a long way.

blackcode– yes education can really spell a difference. It can be very basic, like a father telling his sons to respect the women and girls and a mother telling her daughters about the subject and discussing how to deal with it. But then if in a very basic institution like the family the issue is a “non-issue”, then that’s another obstacle.